Many people don’t believe in love. They simply believe that love exists only in fairy tales and is an illusory product of human imagination. Only the houses on the ground and the numbers written on the bank cards are real.
So we see that when many people choose love, they have many standards and what conditions they need to meet before they can fall in love.
Of course, most of them are not so extreme, and they are still willing to believe in love. But there are other reasons to support them: the economic foundation determines the superstructure, and there is the problem of food and clothing first, and then there is the problem of love. In their eyes, they yearn for love and respect reality.
The cruelty of reality is that it is very difficult for you to meet a person with rich material conditions who also loves you very much. Such a tall, rich, handsome or white, rich and beautiful person is not destined to be your dish. Then this question, whether to choose reality or love, has become a question.
Many people choose reality.
So we began to lose confidence in love. I’m a short poor man, a real loser. Can I have my own love? Will anyone like me? Listening to people around me talking about real problems, children’s milk powder houses and cars, it seems that people who can’t afford these don’t deserve love. Then began to question: should I believe in love?
Why are there always so many people who like a person because of his added value and social role, rather than simply like someone.
Security is the greatest lack of this city. Security is the first condition for survival in this city.
The so-called sense of security is a sense of stability and fear in society. If there is anything that makes you feel panic and uneasy, then you begin to lack a sense of security. The greater the panic, the less the sense of security. Anxiety is the biggest manifestation of lack of security. Your anxiety about the present and future shows the degree of your security in this respect. If you still feel this way when you are with a person, it means that you have not brought him a sense of security.
The same is true of feelings. In the world of feelings, security is the primary factor. Only when there is a sense of security can love be generated. When a person feels that he can rest assured, rely on and believe in the performance of another person, then his sense of security to you is successfully established, and then it is possible to have further feelings. A sense of security is a human instinct. People can only consider that they are safe, and it is possible to consider another person. Maslow also expounded such a viewpoint in his famous theory of hierarchy of needs: security is a basic need, but love is not.
Security comes from two aspects, controllability and certainty. If a thing you think can be controlled or determined by you, it will give you a sense of security. If you feel powerless about it, then this matter will not give you a sense of security. When a person can’t get enough security from the other person emotionally, he will pursue material security to resist the lack of emotional security.
It is easy to understand why a person who is unwilling to believe in love will add too many material reality factors to the relationship.
Because in their world, feelings are very unreliable. Even when they are in love, the two of them swear to each other and love each other to death. But how long can this passion last, a lifetime? It’s funny. I’m not a 17-18-year-old child anymore. I have no courage to believe in such naive love. In their view, as long as two people get along, their feelings will fade, which is uncontrollable and uncertain, so feelings can not give them a sense of security. But the reality is different. The house you left on the ground will be there no matter after 10 or 20 years.
Love has no shelf life. If the feelings will eventually die, why not choose one with better conditions? At least this can make your material life more comfortable and not too painful.
Even if feelings have a shelf life, even if you are still willing to believe in feelings. However, it is still difficult for you to get a sense of security in your feelings, because you do not believe that love without material resources will make people happy. What’s the use of love? Can you eat when you are hungry? Two people don’t even have a house, always rent a house, wander, and have no basic sense of security. Where can there be love?
Some people will try their best to develop themselves instead of developing feelings, because for them, the money in their hands is controllable and certain, and it is uncontrollable and uncertain to focus on another person. Therefore, the money in your hand is more secure than that of another person.
So don’t blame anyone who is too realistic in his feelings. In fact, he doesn’t want to be like this. It’s just that this era makes him too insecure to choose reality. If this era has realized socialist harmony, and everyone is no longer insecure because of material scarcity, then he is still willing to believe in simple love. Between reality and love, people always choose what can give them the most security. It is not so much that one chooses reality as that one chooses the safest way of life.
Why do some people still believe in love, even if they wander around the world, they are happy. I just want to say that they have a lot of love. They don’t feel much about material deprivation. They never worry about being full, nor do they feel insecure because of their residence. They believe that each other is happy, and they are sure that each other will not leave. Another person, for them, is controllable and certain, and they also firmly believe in the sense of security in love.
Of course, the so-called material shortage is only a kind of psychological shortage. There is no real material shortage of a person. It is only related to your psychological scale. People who lack a sense of material security still feel lacking even after they have a lot, and a beggar who has a sense of security will feel happy after he is full. Therefore, the so-called lack of material is only a lack of soul. It is not so much a desire as a lack of one’s own soul. Because of want, there is desire.
The formation of a sense of security can be traced back to a person’s growth stage. Are you easy to feel safe about material or people. Houni, a psychoanalyst, believes that children have two basic needs at an early age: the need for safety and the need for satisfaction. The satisfaction of these two needs depends entirely on parents. When parents can’t meet the two needs of children, children will have basic anxiety. The degree of love, sincerity and respect that parents give to their children determines the degree to which children have a sense of security towards people, and also directly determines the attitude of children towards people when they grow up, and the ease to which others establish a sense of security towards them. Even children who grow up in a quarrelsome or indifferent family have a very weak sense of security in establishing close relationships.
A person who easily lacks a sense of security in his relationship is just a victim of his parents’ treatment of him in those years. When we realize this, we can make a choice at the moment, become ourselves, be responsible for ourselves, and not be influenced by our parents. My sense of security is whether to choose to build on the material or to try to build on the emotional. Material life is material life, and feelings are feelings. There are intersections between the two lives, but they are still two things. You can choose one of them and be responsible for your choice.
If you still doubt love, you can examine yourself. Where does your sense of security come from? I need others to build it, or I can give it to myself.
The real sense of security can only come from one place, that is, your heart. People with a sense of security do not necessarily occupy the most stable resources in society, but they must occupy such a talent – they don’t care what they have, don’t worry about what they don’t have, don’t fear what they lose, and don’t pursue what they force. I feel that everything is my own, and it doesn’t matter if I don’t have anything. There is enough to get and no fear to lose.
When you are willing to give yourself a sense of security, in fact, you can enjoy life safely. When you are rich in materials, you can enjoy materials and when you are rich in feelings. The two can be enjoyed at the same time, without conflict, because you are never lacking.
If the person you like is too realistic, if you still like him, try how you can give him a sense of security and establish your relationship.
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