Having a stable partnership, but finding a more suitable one for ourselves, is a challenge that our gender relations often face. Among them, the most difficult thing is that after a more suitable partner appears – for a better car or a large house, we are always excited and satisfied because we choose “better”; In gender relations, for the “better”, the choice is always more complex, and the result is always more complex.
a more suitable person has appeared.
Mary, a 33 year old female journalist, is in an emotional dilemma: in addition to her relatively happy marriage, she meets someone who matches her soul better.
When they got married two years ago, Mary once half jokingly warned her husband Li Hao: “if you meet someone better than me, first, don’t touch your wallet; second, don’t touch your body; third, don’t touch your feelings.” Li Hao made up his mind quickly: “I promise, I will only move on you!” Unexpectedly, only two years later, Mary moved first. “He knows me and I can be myself in front of him.” Mary explained. There is also better sex between them – almost every time they create the peak happiness that is as shocking as death.
When Ma Li first joined the industry, an old reporter said that the relationship between female journalists was easy to break down, because successful people interviewed every day were better than their husbands, and it was difficult for their husbands to maintain their attractiveness. Mary later learned that this elder divorced twice because of the emergence of a “more suitable” partner. Mary was puzzled: what if she always met the better one?
Having a stable partnership, but finding a more suitable one for ourselves, is a challenge that our gender relations often face. Among them, the most difficult thing is that after a more suitable partner appears – for a better car or a large house, we are always excited and satisfied because we choose “better”; In gender relations, for the “better”, the choice is always more complex, and the result is always more complex.
Why do you see a “more suitable” one
No matter what you choose, the appearance of a more suitable partner can usually be understood as a signal that you are not satisfied with your relationship. Rong Weiling, a psychologist, said: “in a stable partnership, your main needs have been met, but you certainly still have unmet needs. When it rises to the most important need, you will find people who can meet this need and ‘see’ a more suitable partner.” That is, a “more suitable” partner is found by your own needs.
Psychology believes that a partnership is a dynamic system, which is changing – at the beginning of a partnership, both parties accommodate each other because they love each other, and their personalities are accepted. However, with the integration of two people’s relations, they will gradually become inconsistent with each other’s requirements when they enter a period of increasing differences and differences. At this time, you will turn your attention to the world of two people.
Rong Weiling explained that there are two opportunities for people to see a “more suitable” partner. First, before and after marriage. “Two people have not been married for a long time. In the past, there was no basis for living together. Both sides were in a period of disillusionment, and differences began to appear. At this time, conflicts often appeared irreconcilable. Both sides were likely to seek understanding and comfort from outside, and it was easy to retreat.”
The other stage is about 40 years old. “At this time, people have a sense of crisis about their age both physically and psychologically. They will sum up their first half of life and find that there are still many unrealized wishes and life styles that have not been tried. They will be more unwilling and easy to go to a new partner.”
is it “more suitable” or an illusion
Will those partners who bravely take a step forward have more happiness with more suitable partners?
Wang Ying feels much happier than before. “He is 10 years older and more mature than me. He has led me to grow up. With him, I feel that the platform of my life has become very broad.” Wang Ying said that they first lived in the United States for three years, and now they have returned to China together to set up an IT company. They also have a child, and they have deep feelings: “we can’t imagine without each other.”
Daisy found it difficult to answer this question. “I can neither say that I am unhappy nor say that I am very happy.” She is an executive of a fortune 500 company in northern China, and Sun Ping is a non litigation lawyer. When they met, both of them had families. “Now we are still in love, but I didn’t expect so many difficulties.”
Daisy will feel the presence and influence of that ex-wife – in fact, that ex-wife entertained Sun Ping at home when she was his wife. Sun Ping can’t help but think that another man once existed. “It really prevents us from getting more happiness.” Daisy said.
With more suitable people, partners often encounter problems like daisy. Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist, analyzed that the second wife usually has a sense of guilt, and can’t completely believe that she can get a husband like the first wife.
In who’s at home, Hellinger suggests: “If they admit that they have benefited from the loss of their first partner and that they can’t have a new partner without the abandonment of their previous partner, the above situation can be changed. Respecting all people in the system is the decisive factor for the system to achieve balance. In this way, a man and his second wife can be close together, but they still have some moral and responsibility for their first wife, and their relationship is also It will never be the same as the first relationship. If one woman’s acquisition of her husband results in another woman’s loss – if the parties in the new partner can understand that they owe their former partner, they have a greater chance of success. They accept the guilt they feel and acknowledge the guilt and apologies that come with the establishment of the new relationship, so that their relationship can be deeper and more practical. “
Liang Yingmei thought that she was “deceived by her own illusion”. “I think it’s a more suitable person for me. When we were really together, it was very good at first, but after a period of time, I found that the problems I faced were the same as those in my previous relationship.” In this regard, Rong Weiling’s analysis is: “a more suitable person may correspond to a newly generated need for you. When this need is met, you will then generate a new need, and you will no longer need him. However, you still have new needs. Will you continue to find a more suitable partner? In many cases, a more suitable person is just your illusion.”
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